Guilty November

October passed away, now November's dying outside. On All-Saints Day there is the time for grievance. I grieved my grandmother, my never-born baby, my childhood and happiness.

I know I should leave this stage and go forward, but there is nowhere to go. There is nothing in front of me, only tasks tasks tasks. But not the exciting ones, the same, overwhelming, cruel ones.

When the days are cold
and the cards all fold
and the saints we see are all made of gold.

When your dreams all fail
and the ones we hail
are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside there's nowhere we can hide.

No matter what we breed
we still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Curtains's call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out all the sinners crawl.

So they dug your grave
and the masquerade
Will come calling out at the mess you made.

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

I already let you down. I didn't even give your eyes the chance to shine. Because of MONEY. It came from our greed. It choked us. Ridiculous.

No matter what we dream
We still are made of greed,
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make.
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go.

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how.

They say there is a problem with self-hatred. They say it doesn't make things better.

My friend (is there such a thing?) said I feel guilt and hate myself because I want to. I am not happy because I don't want to. It might be true. I hate myself because I betrayed myself. I got the most amazing present from the universe, my happiness, my light, and I killed it. What should I be happy for? I only live because there is a hope that I will get another chance. I work for that another chance.

I want to forget about this, I want to praise the moment and be happy.... please, somebody tell me what to be happy for!