Skint October

Skint: adjective 1. pertaining to being poor, out of money, broke
                        2. dead-ass broke, poor as shit
(UrbanDictionary.com)

Lately I've been, I've been loosing sleep
dreaming about the things that we could be.
Baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
said, no counting dollars, we'll be counting stars.

I see this life like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
And my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and you shall find
Old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold.
I don't think the world is sold.
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing.
I feel sg so wrong
Doing the right thing.

I feel the love and I feel it burn
Down this river, every turn.
Hope is a four-letter word.
Make that money, watch it burn.
Sink in the river, the lessons are learnt.

This was my October in 2013. And it just continues. This is my life right now. I wonder if in 10 years I'm gonna read this blog back and smile getting emotional of that vast nostalgic feeling. Being skint sucks, yo. I want a lot of cheddar.

Yeah, right. Just started to watch Breaking Bad. Makes me get out of this world for a while. It's just awesome.

Also, I'm currently reading a book I bought on Amazon called "New Self, New World - Recovering Our Senses in the Twenty-First Century" (Philip Shepherd). Yeah, I often read these kinds of books, beat me for it. It tells us that our values and morals suck. That we hail and envy millioners who steal the money of the world and are never gonna be happy. Yeah, well, I know. I am aware that our values and morals suck. But it's fucking difficult to be happy, either, when you have to abort your daughter whom you already adore and when you are all about survival and getting through your life somehow. And I am not poor. I know there are millions of people being in worse condition than me. But it still sucks. Because I am 23 and I wanna be travelling around, learning interesting things, getting to know other people and cultures, having hobbies, being in love every day. And they say, you know, happiness is all about living every moment of your life, being present in your life, concentrating on the amazing miracles of every minutes. I don't know about that. I am in love, but sometimes I don't even remember that because we only get to meet once a week, and even then we barely have the time to take a look at each other. And being present in the moments of my life? I don't want to. Because it's all about getting up, rushing from one place to another, having no time to stop or think or enjoy anything - organizing, arranging, studying, two majors at the same time, part-time works, I come out from one place, rush into the other, arrive home, clean, feed the cat, feed the bunny, do the other chores, call people, arrange things, study for the exams, eat in once the portion of the whole day, and faint into bed. My favourite thing in my life is sleeping, I am waiting for it all day. I hate my life. Is it me doing something wrong? Could somebody tell me how to do it right? And to top it all, it is still not sure that after getting my College Degrees (and it's still, well, tons of years, probably like 7) I'll have a stable job with good salary and can be finally happy. I'll probably work my ass off until I die of fatal exhaustion and being overburdened all the time. They say it doesn't matter how long you live but how you live. Or to live at all. Please, somebody tell me, how! And I know, my lifestyle is severly unhealthy. I am taking antidepressants, no sport, my eating habits. People tell me to change this. But how?! Who will do my chores, my tasks, and give me money for my free-time activities?

I have a Debate class. My teacher hates rhetorical questions. The last time in the debate my speech and arguments were so fine that everybody dropped their jaws and were shocked, even came to congratulate me after class....the teacher gave me a C because I asked two rhetorical questions and he hates that. Everybody else, even the lame Hunglish-speaking mouflons got A-s. I wanted to tell him SO MUCH that these questions AIN'T rhetorical, I want someone to fucking answer them!!! Douchebag.

Lately I've been dreaming about the things that we could be. Hope is a four-letter word. We'll be counting stars.